I gravitate towards people in pain and sometimes I mix that up with toxicity. I guess because some part of me thinks I can help them, heal them even. The worst part is that I used to think this was a good thing. That this quality in me was humbling. But now I’m beginning to wonder whether it’s an egotistical trait. The idea, or rather the assumption that I have that extent of power over another’s life. That I have that much input in their transformation.
Maybe it’s a way to distract myself…from myself. Maybe focusing so intensely on another’s problems releases me of my own, even if it’s just for a moment.
The problem with that is sooner or later, we all have to face ourselves. Sooner or later, we’re going to have to look at who we are in the mirror and deal with that person. No amount of running, hiding, distracting or pretending can relieve us from our own selves. Because sooner or later, who we are will inevitably catch up with us. And when that happens, wouldn’t it be better if we weren’t caught off guard? If we were aware, wouldn’t it be better, or easier?
When we look in the mirror, do we want to stand with the truth or be bombarded by it?
I’ve spent most of my life running, hiding, afraid. I thought it was everyone else who would judge me for the person I was. What I didn’t understand was that maybe everyone else didn’t matter. Maybe it was my own judgments that hindered my awareness all along.