Okay, the truth is that that all was a lie, however, it is that time of month for me. This usually calls for being zero percent productive with my life for an entire week and using my female problems as an excuse for it. I do have an extra excuse however, and that is whenever it is my time of the month, my body decides that I also need to have the symptoms of a cold to make my life that much better. Hoorary! Now, it’s not just any cold, but it is one that has definite steps until I know I will reach recovery:
Step One – The Sneeze Attack: This is always on Day One where I will wake up early in the morning and sneeze excessively all day long. By ‘excessively’ I mean that I will go through a minimum of 13 Kleenex boxes throughout the period of 15-16 hours, and yes, I have in-fact counted. The sneezing will usually begin around the time of 7-8am and end around 10-11pm. You think this is torture? Oh, just you wait.
Step Two – The Droughty Throat: Day Two usually consists of having no sense of taste whatsoever and being forced to consume honey and other distasteful liquids to heal my dry, achy breaky throat. Because that is not even close to the extent of suffering that my body can handle, a side symptom will usually involve a runny nose, headache, nausea, or if it’s a really good day, all of the above!
Step Three – Recovery Day: The morning will consist of every single one of the traumatizing symptoms from the past two days but fortunately, they usually begin to wear out by the evening. At that hour, I will take what I presume to be a nap, but I secretly know that I will be waking up when the sun rises the next morning.
And that my friends is my three days of excruciating pain that I fear every single month. Although I am in bad condition, I usually try my best to be as productive as I can be during those three days. Well, at least my version of productive. So naturally, my first instinct would be to share a few tips with all of you lovely readers.
1. Run a Marathon
If you read my previous post, you might be a little confused knowing that I in-fact do not run. So, let me go ahead and clear that up for you! By ‘run a marathon’, I am actually referring to the act of consistently watching one episode after another of your favourite TV show on Netflix. In my mind, this is productivity at its finest.
2. Binge Eat
Now that you have all this time to do nothing, why not spend it on regular trips to your refrigerator? My choices usually include anything from Sour Cream and Onion chips and ranch dip to three bags of buttery popcorn. Yummy!
< b>3. Repeatedly Take 3-4 Hour Naps
I can tell you from experience that the day goes by much faster when you sleep through it. Another bonus is that you cannot experience any symptoms when you are in deep sleep. It’s a win-win!
4. Rule Social Media
When you are not in the greatest shape, the best feeling comes from being able to constantly complain about it and what better way to do so than on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram? You can reach a wider audience, people will sympathize with your pain and you can finally feel loved again.
5. Lie on the Floor in Fetal Position
Yes, you did read that heading correctly. It is always exciting to be dramatic and if you are a drama major, in a theater program, or simply an over-dramatic individual, you can even use this as acting experience! Sometimes, you can even get people to do things for you such as bringing you food, letting you choose the television channel you want to watch for once, or if you are lucky, they might even buy you expensive materialistic products that you will most likely throw away in the next few months for the more updated version that comes out.
On that note, hopefully I will be well enough to write a somewhat meaningful post soon, but if not, you know why!