Do you ever take the time to sit still for a little while and ask yourself: “Am I happy right now?” I think I do that too much. Lately, I’ve been questioning myself quite a lot. I grew up a lot this summer and I was on a level of high that didn’t even feel real to me until it was over, and everything changed again.
My whole life began to feel like it was being jerked around at all ends and I lost a lot of people in the process of it all – a lot of people who I was close to. A lot of people who weren’t so pleased with the changes I made in my life; the changes that brought about all the joy. Those people are still here, but our connection isn’t.
My life was once a lot more difficult and a lot crazier. And so, being in the state that I’m in doesn’t really make a lot of rational sense to me. I’m not depressed, but I’m not filled with as much joy as I was before, either. And up until now, I had no idea that there was something in between those two extreme states.
I’m not so good at relaxing, either. I have to be doing something, constantly. I have to be reading so I can learn more, or writing so I can understand more, or crafting and creating or finishing an assignment for school or working at my job. I need to constantly be working to keep my mind at ease. But from what? Well, I think somewhere along the line, I started to believe that if I wasn’t being productive, I was failing.
A lot of my life was spent trying to survive – trying to just be alive. It was a lot of budgeting and calculating in my head, how much food I would be able to afford that could keep me going for a while. It was a lot of trying to just get myself out of bed. It was a lot of trying to just get myself through the day, each and every day.
Now that I have a full-time job, I don’t have to worry as much about financial burdens as I used to. No, it’s not easy, but I have a steady income that I’m able to get by with. I have my creative pursuits and my curious nature. I have some freedom. So what the hell is the problem?
Some part of me feels like I “wasted” a lot of time for so many years and it’s almost like I’m trying to catch up with my own life. I’m trying to make up for all the years I was “unproductive”. I need to learn everything, do everything, create everything, and I have to do it all as quickly as I can to perhaps meet some deadline that I’ve conjured up in my mind for my life. All of the things I could have been doing in those years I spent just trying to get through, need to get done now, along with whatever else I could have achieved by now.
It always goes back to feeling like I’m trying to balance out my life’s time scale. But each time I dig a little deeper, it seems to be rooted from the idea that I am not enough.
And you know what? I’m so tired. I’m tired of not meeting my own expectations. I’m tired of justifying myself TO myself. I’m tired of burning myself out over and over again. I’m tired of being so hard on myself every time that happens, which it always does. I’m just so tired.
Why has it become so hard for us to stop doubting ourselves?
I don’t really have an answer for this one, other than I think we just need to be on the lookout. We need to be the security guards of our minds, constantly watching and monitoring the load of crap we give ourselves each day.
We have to guard our language and our choice of words, not only the ones we use for ourselves but the ones we use to describe our surroundings and our people as well.
I think our strength is tied to the types of obstacles we are faced with throughout our lives. I don’t mean that in a “challenges make you stronger” way (which they obviously do), but I mean that maybe the obstacles we face are strategically placed throughout our lives in such a way that we build off of each one. Maybe life only hands you the hardships that you already have the strength to handle, and those hardships prepare you and build your strength up for the next one so that you will already have the strength to handle that as it comes. All of these keep us growing and moving forward and becoming.
But the challenges we put on ourselves are the ones that hold us back. Those are side-tracks; the paths that will only keep us circling around the same place over and over again. We don’t become more from them. We become trapped inside of them.
So to end off this lengthy post, remember that everything that you did today, was everything that you needed to do (and probably even more than that) so AMAZING work. But, also remember that your productivity does not dictate your self-worth. We are already more than enough.