You must all be wondering where I’ve been for the past, I don’t know, month! I just want to make sure you all understand that not writing has been killing me but life has gotten in the way and things haven’t been so good lately. After getting many amazingly supportive responses from my Depression post, I think I’m able to tell you guys what’s been going on lately. This isn’t going to be a fun and light-weight post. It’s not going to be a long and in-depth one either. I’m not ready to go that much into details but I will be soon and when I am, you will be the first to know.
Depression is not something that just goes away or is completely cured. There are days you feel less upset and there are days where you feel at your worst. The problem is, I don’t know what I want to do with my life and that has led each day to become a more stressful and confusing version than the last. I feel very stuck in where I’m at right now. How do I know that I’m not wasting my time in university? Do I even really want to be here or was it just because it was simply expected from me? I always wonder how I would have chosen to live my life if there were no expectations. What if money didn’t exist and the world didn’t have to obsess over wanting more? What if we were all actually free?
I think that’s what has been terrifying me the most lately. I don’t feel free. I feel as though I’m doing what I am doing because this is how things are supposed to be. I’m supposed to go to university and then graduate school and then get a good job and make good money, but then what? Is that really all there is to life anymore? If so, it’s not enough for me. I just want more. I want to travel and see the world and skydive and learn how to belly-dance and ride a motorcycle and smash a plate at a Greek wedding and yell, “OPA!” and then I want to run to my desk at nighttime before I go to bed and write all about it. I just want to live because right now, I’m not. I’m not living the way I want to and I feel stuck in this place. I’m a zombie that just wakes up every day knowing that it will be filled with doing readings, assignments, labs and going to classes. I know I will be too tired to make myself a real dinner so I will settle for a bagel or Kraft Dinner yet again. I know that after that, I’ll be too exhausted that I will just pass out as soon as I hit my bed only to wake up and relive the same day again.
That being said, school has been even more difficult. Family problems are getting worse, financial problems increasing even more and my health is only partly functional because of the medication I’ve been prescribed. Despite everything, I still have hope. I know things will get better eventually and this is just another rough patch. The reason I haven’t been writing is because sometimes I fear what will come out. Sometimes I fear that I’ll expose too much and I also fear that what I say just won’t be enough. With hard times, writing helps the most and yet I fear doing it. That’s still something I’m working through. Either way, I am back and ready to stay on top of things this time.