Due to recent events regarding Robin Williams’ death, I have decided to share my own story of depression. You can never really know what is going on inside of someone. For as long as I can remember, I have lived a life not knowing what it is like to feel happy. It is a cruel way to live but I became accustomed to that lifestyle. It is almost as if I was comfortable in the state of unhappiness. To be honest, I actually preferred it. It was familiar and over time, I had learned how to deal with it. I got to the point where I refused to try to find some inner peace because of the fear that it would only be temporary. I would cringe every time someone asked me how I was doing but resisted to tell them the truth.
I then began to isolate myself more and more. I didn’t want my friends to see me this way and so I thought it would be better if they didn’t see me at all. And then, something changed. Being depressed is exhausting and going to university, I knew that there were resources available for me and so one day, I decided to go for it. It took a lot of convincing myself before I came to the conclusion that I didn’t want to live the rest of my life this way. I wanted things to be different. And so, I went to my first therapy session.
That’s when things began to change for me. For once in my life, I had someone I could talk to. Someone I could cry in front of who wouldn’t judge me or look at me with pity in their eyes. Someone who might just be able to understand my problems and could help me fix them. From there, things began to change even more and weirdly enough, they were for the better. I started writing on this blog again. I know that many of my older posts are a bit overwhelming and perhaps even too personal, but I refuse to delete them only because I know that at the time, I had published them for a reason. Maybe someone somewhere will benefit from them. Maybe someone who has isolated themselves as much as I had and felt their problems piling on top of one another could have a sense of relief that they are not alone in this world.
It’s funny that I can share so much on this blog whereas in person, I would never be able to display this part of myself without much hesitation. I guess somehow, even after completely exposing every detail of my life, I still feel like I have some privacy. It’s strange that we are able to share so much of ourselves to those we do not know than to those we hold dear to our hearts. But that’s why I love it. I love being able to share all of this to a community of bloggers that I have never met in person but can connect with through my story and their stories. Writing is therapeutic to me. Whether I am writing about a fun idea, something upsetting, or exciting news, I love that I have a group of online friends that support me. I love that you guys know me more than anyone else.
I’m really happy to say that a lot of good things are happening to me now. This blog is slowly growing, I’m writing quite a lot and it is helping me more and more every day. On top of that, this summer, I got the opportunity to go to the city of my dreams (New York) for a conference about writing, I will be interning online as a Style Guru on College Fashionista. It’s all happening so fast and a part of me wants to keep resisting the urge to feel happy but I’m finally getting closer to where I want to be. I have come to what should seem an obvious realization that both good things and bad things happen in life and both don’t last forever. I am still trying to learn how to live in the moment rather than in constant fear but for once in my life, I have hope and I have all of you to thank for a lot of that. So thank you for helping me. You may not even know it but every time I get a compliment on my writing, a comment on my blog post, a follow on bloglovin or a reply on my twitter, I get really excited. Every time I read your stories and get a sense of who you are, I feel less alone and more connected. I can’t wait to see what’s to come next and I hope you guys will stick around for the rest of my journey.
If any of you ever feel angry, upset, depressed, alone, or simply need someone to talk to, please don’t hesitate to send me an email. I am still battling and struggling every day, but my life began to change the moment I decided to finally talk to someone about it. You can click the email link on my sidebar or send me one at: mishakaay [at] gmail [dot] com