Being someone who constantly overthinks everything, sometimes I need to declutter my mind, so I’ve been sort of training myself to write without thinking. I don’t really know what I write, even while I’m writing it, and it’s been a good exercise for me. You’d be surprised at what comes out when you put pen to paper without thinking about it, and just write. Maybe it doesn’t always flow. Maybe it doesn’t always make sense, but that’s the beauty of it. So, here’s a passage from my journal, unedited:
The things I write are not who I am. They represent who I once was, whether that be 5 years ago or 5 minutes ago. So when I write a piece filled with sorrow, don’t waste your time pitying me. I am not who I once was. I was once a girl filled with insecurities. A girl in fear of the world. A girl ready to explore it but trapped in a life that was inescapable. I’m still that girl. I still feel trapped, but I’m trying to change that. I still have insecurities. Maybe even more now, but they’ve evolved. I once feared I would never know what I wanted. Now I fear that I am not good enough for it, but I do it anyway. I do it because they say “practice makes perfect” and I’d like to believe I have some sort of control over myself. So even if that isn’t the case, I’ll believe it is. Even if I’m not what I thought I would be, I’m who I need to be. Even if the world has showed me its dark side and I’ve shown the world mine, I don’t hide in the shadows anymore. There is nothing I feel I can’t conquer. But then I fear I can’t conquer anything at all. What if there is nothing left for me to conquer? What if there is no room for me in the big picture? What even is the “big” picture? I’ve defeated a lot of battles but sometimes I feel more have defeated me. There is nothing I can’t do. But the problem is, will I be able to do it well? If all I have to do is compete against life, I’ll do it because that’s what I’ve always done. If I turn back now, my past will have no relevance. When you’re young, you run. I’ve always ran. I ran from my fears. I ran from love. I ran from my family. I ran from my future. But I came back. This time, I chose to face it all. This time I chose to walk. This time I chose to live.