I’ve never eaten a pickle. I’ve never had the urge to try it and to be honest, I’ve always had a sense that if I did, I just wouldn’t like it. I am completely indecisive. I tend to over-think and over-analyze every situation and plan out every possible outcome in my brain before proceeding to take action. Even then, I hesitate before making a final decision. But with pickles, I just always knew. I made the decision before I even tried eating one because I guess I knew myself well enough to know the outcome.
This past weekend, I went camping with a large group of my friends and although we went all out on our grocery trip, we ended up eating out for at least one meal per day. My go-to stop was obviously McDonald’s. I’ve worked there, I know what’s in the food, but I still don’t care and I will binge on that fake meat any day. I’m gross, get over it. So when the cashier called out for the next person in line, I headed over to order my usual: a Quarter Pounder with just cheese, ketchup, lettuce and mayo. PS: If you haven’t tried the ketchup and mayo sauce duo on a burger, you are missing out! Anyways, when I headed outside to eat my meal on the patio with my friends, I took a bite and realized that they had placed a single pickle in my burger. I immediately spat it out and placed my napkin with the half-eaten pickle on the side. I didn’t like it. I knew I wouldn’t like it. Now, I had proof of what I had known all along.
I have an obsessive personality when it comes to things I enjoy. When I was little, and even now, if I like a movie or a TV show, I will watch it on repeat for the next couple of months. We had pay-per-view when I was a child and so some movies would be playing on repeat all day, every day for weeks on end and I was that annoying kid who would sit on the couch and just watch it over and over until it no longer played. I can’t help it, it’s the obsessive Scorpio in me.
But like I said, I am a very indecisive person, so when I come across something I love, I will obsess over it. Why try something new when I can continue to enjoy something I already know I like? In a way, that can be both good and bad. The good part being that when it came time for me to really start figuring out who I was and who I wanted to become, I didn’t quite know where to begin. I had no idea what kind of person I was and if I didn’t know that, how was I supposed to know who I wanted to be? But I guess there are parts of myself that I am confident about. There decisions I made that I stuck by because I knew they were right for me. I knew myself well enough to follow through on some of the choices I have made.
The bad part of course, is that I am always hesitant towards trying new things. This motto of ‘I know what I like so why bother trying anything new’ that I have implemented for myself has limited the amount of choices I’ve had to make and therefore, it has limited the amount of freedom my life has to offer. But I choose to live that way, or at least I used to.
I find that it’s easy for me to make firm decisions on things that won’t affect my life in a great way. I mean, how would not trying pickles really affect my future? But when it comes down to making big decisions, ones that will contribute in determining who I will become, I am lost. I resort to a state of panic where my mind becomes so cluttered that it is next to impossible for it to clear way for any rational solution. If I can be so sure about the little things, it must be because no pressure is put on them. My state of panic halts me from making a decision. So what if we were to go about big decisions in our lives with the approach of them being little? There would be no panic. There would be no confusion. But there would be certainty. How terrifyingly uplifting is the thought of being certain about big decisions you make in your life? If we approach deciding between two job opportunities, our major in university/college, or our relationships with the ease of choosing not to eat pickles, maybe we will find that we know much more about ourselves than we thought we did. Fear and doubt have a tendency to block our otherwise free minds. Perhaps once we practice on taking away some of that fear, we will begin to make good choices, ones that we always knew were right for us but allowed doubt stand in the way.