Rejection remains my greatest fear and the most difficult to tackle when it fully consumes me. It’s the rejection, or the fear of the end before the beginning that haunts me. It’s what keeps me up in the middle of the night. It’s what sends shivers down my spine. It’s what makes me wake up, screaming in terror. And yet, it is what I am most used to.
In the midst of wanting to have it all, we all know that that isn’t possible. Quotes of failure bringing us up to our strongest points leave us in a constant battle between the odds. If failure is bringing us up, why do we feel at our lowest? If this is what makes us stronger, perhaps strength isn’t what we imagined it to be. Perhaps we are too weak or too fragile to be lifted. Perhaps we are confined to live as the shattered pieces our battles have abandoned us with. What if we have no strength to become strong?
I haven’t been in the best place lately. My parents moved to a strange new town that has been labelled in mischief and the people stereotyped as “overtly provocative”. I’ve been living at home for the summer and plan to move back to my uni town late next week. I am also accustom to change, or so I thought. I’ve moved around quite often as a child which forced me to become more of a social person, but also left me with no stable grounds. I always felt like a gypsy, minus the free-spirited take on life and plus the feeling of never being able to call anywhere home. Stability was always a figment of my imagination, a dream I aspired to reach but never really could. “One day,” I thought as a naive child, “one day.”
That being just a small portion of my life lately, I found that all the good coming towards me was being beaten down by all the bad. Left defeated, I did what I always do: I ran away from my writing, though it was for just a short amount of time. I feel that when piles of negative burden us, or me at least, I allow myself to fall. Knowing that hiding from my written words would leave me at a worst state than I was already in, I did it anyways. I did it because everything seemed pointless.
But then, I began to read. I read my heart out – at least 1-2 books a day and escaped the aspects of my life that left me paralyzed. I leaped into a world of fantasy, truth, fiction, and mystery. I read biographies, literary fictions, books about writing, and countless blogs. Where my normal go-to would be laying in my bed, marathoning Netflix, this slight change brought me back. Depression has a way of haunting your every move. The moment you begin to feel a tad less miserable, anything can trigger it to come flying back. Some days are better where as others are awful. But I’m happy to say that I’m not at my lowest point anymore. I’m happy to say that I’ve begun to make little changes to better my own life and well-being. I’m happy to say that even when I am crumbling, I am finally beginning to make the effort to fight back. The days of pure unhappiness are becoming easier to bare for the sole reason that they aren’t AS bad anymore. Maybe I didn’t write for a little while, but closing my screens and turning off my phone made more of a difference than I could ever imagine.
You see, when I get into the habit of watching show after show online, not only do I feel more unproductive and useless, but I allow it to become an addiction. It consumes me. Day after day when I wake up wishing I didn’t have to get out of bed, in the past, I just didn’t. I lay in bed for days on end, only moving to go to the kitchen and grab leftover takeout or snacks. A lot of my life and my work involves technology and so even though I need it to be productive, I also need to get away from it to remain productive. It’s a cycle I’m still in the midst of figuring out completely, but I wanted to keep you guys updated on what has been going on. This community has been a big support system throughout and I just wanted to take a moment to just thank everyone: every commenter, every person who tweets me, every blogging friend, everyone who reads this blog, everyone who emails me, and everyone who has took the time to reach out to me telling me that my words have helped them. This is what has kept me going and what keeps me going, so thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You guys mean more to me than you will ever know.