There is a time when words flow out of me like water. It’s as if I am being driven by them before I even have a chance to think about it first. But I have to admit it’s been more difficult for me to write as of recently. More than that, it’s been even harder to think about what I’m willing to write and then share live on this platform.
I’ve been feeling at peace lately and resonating with this notion that liberation doesn’t necessarily imply that you are in a constant state of joy. But there is this great release that comes with accepting what is and what cannot be anymore. There is a lot of freedom that comes with solitude and learning how and when to let go of something that has reached its expiry date.
Loss has been the theme of my life recently. After a friend’s passing and then deciding to take a break from my relationship, I’ve finally gotten some time to just sit with myself, alone, and see what that feels like.
I am filled with questions that I now have to start answering. Questions like, who am I without another person? Can this version of me continue to exist with them? How am I really doing? What do I need in this moment, and then the next?
I’ve been trying to avoid asking myself what I want, because it’s usually when my ego steps in and decides for me, with blatant disregard for what it is I actually need. It’s not a bad question to ask, but it is one that I don’t think I’m capable of answering honestly (yet).
I don’t have many words right now and although my posts are usually very lengthy, I have to allow for this one to be what it is. I’ll keep writing here as I continue to process my life and the changes I have to make moving forward. But for now, I want to leave you with this:
Everything that we’ve been seeking has always resided within us if we just take a moment to be still.
I’ve been practicing this each day and urge anyone willing to do the same. Being someone who has spent a lot of life pushing herself down in order to alleviate another’s discomfort, I think it’s the first time in quite a while that I have chosen myself. I realize that this isn’t something that comes naturally to me, but rather something I have to continue to practice.
I wish relationships were like writing a novel. That your first go around could just be considered a rough draft and you could go back in to re-write a second, third, and fourth. I wish you could go back and make edits until it was as close to perfection as it could possibly get. But I suppose that’s not always the case. I guess I’m beginning to understand that most of our relationships are only meant to be lessons and sometimes, we can only bring those lessons to make edits for our future selves.
I know this is a difficult time for a lot of us, so I hope we all continue to do the best that we can. We can only know what we know in the moment we are in and though we might have more information and clarity as time goes on, the decisions that we choose to make are the best we can do at this time. And we’ll keep trying once we know more.
Sending you all of my love, and to whoever needs to hear it: Being human was never meant to be easy. You’re doing a wonderful job, even when it doesn’t feel like so.