After moving across the country just a month ago, I find myself in this continuous state of flux, vacillating from an exploratory mode to a more reflective one. Moving is never a smooth process, but this one felt especially chaotic. From missing furniture deliveries and having to call Fedex every single day, my oven breaking down, to my landlord writing the wrong address on the lease which meant I had to re-change all my addresses on cards and files, as well as re-schedule my internet service and live internet-free for another 10 days.
With all of this commotion rippling down on me like a domino effect, I began to question whether they were signs I had made the wrong decision. I came here with nothing but my little kitten and a few suitcases. Leaving Vancouver was tough, moreso because it felt like I was no longer wanted there, or rather that my time there was done. Needing to leave didn’t feel like much of a decision. I just knew time was up and that was something I needed to accept.
So I wanted to come on here and talk a bit about life’s expiry dates because I think it’s something we all feel, whether it’s towards a job, a place of living, a relationship, or anything else. Have you ever surpassed it? For instance, have you ever known that the relationship you are in is done, but you stay? Or did you continue living in a place you knew wasn’t right for you anymore? I can easily raise my hands for all of the above.
There’s this thing that happens after you surpass that expiry date where everything begins to go horribly wrong. Somehow things spiral and become worse until you are forced to leave. A phrase I’d like to sum it up with that I often hear ringing in my own head is, let go or be dragged. This sort of eviction is far more painful than the acceptance of letting something go. So I’ve learned through trial and error how to listen to my instincts when they tell me it’s time to leave. I’m not always great at it, but it’s a work in progress.
Letting go has felt like a theme throughout my life, but especially now. Without a relationship, consistent work, and with a new home in a new city across the country, feeling grounded is something I’ve been struggling with. All that is the same is my kitten and me. As exciting as it feels to be able to start anew and create a life from scratch again as the person I am now, finding doses of familiarity has also been crucial.
Right now, that means continuing my morning routine (which went on pause during the process of moving), facetiming family and friends, preparing meals for myself that I love, and consistently going to therapy (of course). Following my instincts has gotten me here and although it wasn’t as smooth as I had imagined in my head, it doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. That’s just life and everyday challenges.
I’m not too sure why I’m here yet or why I had to leave. Maybe there isn’t some grandeous purpose to all of this. All I know is that I finally feel like I have my feet on the ground (most of the time) and I’m ready for whatever is to come.